Who am I?
Finding Lenora
A lot of times I
think about how I wanted to be different when I was growing up. I was very shy
and closed in, I guess I should say passive, but I hate that word. Anyway it caused
me not to express my feelings or my thoughts to people very much at all, It
seems that I never said what I felt about anything, and when you don’t express
yourself about anything you began to be looked at as stupid, that was another
thing I ignored for a long time until a few years ago. I began to notice that
people didn’t trust me to do certain things or they didn’t trust my answer to a
question even though it was the correct answer. As time went on and I began to
notice this more and more each day, my thoughts were, “surely they can’t think
of me as being that ignorant,” but they did or do. Part of the problem is that
when you are shy you’re usually very passage and if you are not taught anything
different than that, then that’s the way you’re going to grow up. You may not
notice, but you’re never sure of yourself and that is why no one else is sure
of you. Along with all that, the shyness and the passiveness also comes low
self esteem.
Suggestions:
- When you’re young and too afraid to talk to anyone, choose a person in your class, Sunday school class, or church that you can use as a role model, and look at their positive behavior and mimic it.
- Ask your parents to get you involved into a youth group with strong leadership.
- Talk to your sibling that you are closest to if possible and share your feelings with them. They may be able to give you some helpful advice as to how they may overcome discomfort when they’re with their friends.
Bible Verse:
Jeremiah 1:5
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were
born I consecrated you; I appointed you a prophet to the nations.”
Misunderstood
When
I was in the fourth grade I didn’t have many friends. The other girls in my
classroom thought I felt that I was better than they were, I guess because I
didn’t talk to them. I overheard them talking about me one day outside. I was
standing against a wall that they were sitting behind and one girl asked the
other girls what they thought about me and they all said that I thought I was
cute and I thought I was better than them because I had long hair, but little
did they know. I guess they didn’t know any better because if they did they
would have approach me and try to make friends with me instead of criticizing
me. Knowing myself I would have gladly accepted that. Another reason I didn’t
talk to anyone is because I was new at that school. My mother transferred me
from the school where my sister, my niece and my cousins went to this other
school because the bus came closer to the house. That was around the time the
doctor discovered I had Rheumatic Fever, so I was told I couldn’t indulge into too
much physical activities and that the bus stop was too far away for me to walk
to, to get to the other school. On top of everything else I was missing my old school,
my friends and my family.
Suggestions:
- When in a new environment find ways to show your friendly, approachable side.
- If you are being judge in the wrong way, talk to your parents, the Principal at your school or a teacher about it, to help you get the situation resolved.
- If you are feeling discomfort because of an illness, personal situation etc, just remember that no one should know, it should be kept confidential by your school officials and also we are still all the same in the eyesight of God, the situation at hand should not change how people feel about you.
Bible Verse:
Proverbs 17:9
He who covers a transgression seeks love, but he who repeats a
matter separates friends.
Gaining Confidence
When I was dating my high school sweetheart he
would ask me why I never talked and of course I didn’t have an answer for him
except that I was shy, but I don’t think he related to that very well he just
wanted me to talk more. He told me I express myself very well in my letters
that I wrote to him, after he had gone off to college, so he didn’t understand
why I couldn’t verbally say those things out loud. Finally at some point of our
relationship I started to talk more, I guess he made me feel comfortable and
good about myself, or he complained about it so much that I just wanted to do
something about it, and also I was getting very tired and kind of angry at
myself for being so shy, that I did want to do something about it. Eventually it
got to the point to where one day he told me I was talking too much. I guess I
gained a little confidence, but I do remember still having trouble with letting
go. I held in my excitement, if I was excited about something. I didn’t really
engage in conversation with my girl friends when we hung out. We did converse
somewhat over the phone, but I was more of the listener. I guess being shy can
cause a lot of problems in a person’s life, because of it, I almost felt destroyed.
Things
have changed some since I was a little girl, but I still feel rejected a lot of
times, and not heard, and sometimes people tend to talk to me as if I was a
little girl, or they just talk over me as if I’m not there. I know, I may have
brought a lot of things upon myself, but having a low self esteem and being shy
and passive is hard to overcome without a mentor or a positive role model by
your side to teach you how to build your character and feel good about
yourself.
Suggestions:
- Go into a room alone and look into a mirror and pretend you’re having a conversation with someone. Practice makes perfect!
- Stop focusing on older versions of your self esteem that no longer exists, and adjust your own beliefs about yourself and your strengths as you grow. Speak positive words over yourself every day.
- When hanging out with your friends, try to have a conversation with at least one of them to help build your courage and confidence, and never think that their views are better than yours.
Bible Verse
2 Timothy 1:7
“For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and
self-control.”
Finding Faith
I
grew up in church and was baptized when I was thirteen. I didn’t understand
what I was doing; I did it because my mother said I had to and that it was
time. Even though I understood what giving your life to Christ meant as I got
older, I still didn’t relate to what being a true Christian meant until I was
in my late thirties or early forties, when I gained more knowledge of God. At
that time I felt that I was ready to give my life to Christ, I felt that being
close to God would help me overcome the hardships in my life. Even then I went
through times of not feeling good about myself and not knowing how to attack
and overcome my problems, and I still struggle with the understanding of my
relationship with God and my faith in Him.
I
know that becoming a Christian is not going to erase all your problems, but
being closer to God will make things a lot easier only if you know how to allow
certain changes to be made in your life and keep the faith, even if it’s only
the size of a mustard seed, that’s all the faith God said we need. Now how hard
is that? It’s as hard as we make it. I think I may have been confused about how
things work with God, I felt that if I’ve had the will and he would show me the
way but there is still something missing from this puzzle, and when things
doesn’t quite go right I lose my patience and trust in God. One thing that
caused me to become misconstrued is when I listen to a preacher talk about sowing
seeds. Sometimes they make you think you won’t get any blessings if you don’t
put money on the altar or in a basket as a seed offering. The new testament of
the bible says we live under grace and mercy, but I’ve yet to understand what
that really means. All I know is that I want so much to feel comfortable about whom
I am, about my faith, and about feeling confident around other people at all
time and not feel self conscious at any time.
Suggestions:
- Whatever your religion may be, meditate on the spiritual aspect of it, which is the more personal and private side of religion, in order to find inner peace.
- Don’t get caught up into religion, but know what God expect from you and practice what the word of God says. The word of God should be consistent in all religion.
- Be conscious of all that is, with Peace, Happiness, and Universal love, continually growing in your heart.
Bible Verse:
Psalm 27:3
“Though an army encamp against me, my heart shall not fear; though
war arise against me, yet I will be confident.”
Coming into Reality
When
I started working at a Christian school in 2005 I was a little timid about
going back into the class room because I hadn’t worked as an assistant teacher
since 1998 and for some reason, after a few days of employment I felt a little
intimidated by the principle that hired me and by some of the staff members. I
realized that the principle at that time and a few staff members put forth effort
in trying to be intimidating. The other reason I was timid was because I was in
a Christian school, and I guess I thought everyone there was perfect. I also
thought they would be kind, generous, and helpful in every Godly way, but boy
was I wrong. Some of them didn’t even act like what I call an “Earthen Angel”.
I do remember thinking that working in a Christian school would be like being
in paradise. How quickly did the warning alarm go off I can’t even tell you,
which proved to be a reason not to be intimidated, but at that time I was a bit
naïve about what a Christian school was all about. I learned quickly that it
was just like anywhere else I’ve worked or worse.
I
do feel that I’m growing into my own at this time in my life. I feel awkward
saying that because I am a middle age women, but the reality of it all is that
you don’t gain confidence by growing old, it takes much more than that, that’s
why I’m able to write this story. From the experiences that I had on my job and
in other areas of my life I’ve gained maturity and confidence in telling people
what’s on my mind and confronting them at the time something has happen instead
of keeping it inside of me where it just stresses the heck out of me. A person need
to get things out and off their chest in order to gain and keep respect, but
you also need to know when it’s necessary to speak your mind, and you need to
make sure you understand what the reality of the situation is, when you’re
feeling distress about something. You never want people to always patronized
you or treat you like you’re ignorant all the time.
A
person with low self esteem, a person who is passive of shy or even a person
with anger problems, whatever your situation may be, you need to find that
positive person, spirit, or influence that will help you learn who you are and
who you want to be. Someone or something, that will help you find courage, strength,
confidence and your inner beauty, because if you feel beautiful on the inside
you will certainly feel beautiful on the outside, because we are wonderfully
and beautifully made by God.
Suggestions:
- Pessimism can be a self fulfilling prophesy; treat yourself with kindness and encouragement.
- Don’t overreact to a situation by undervaluing yourself, mistakes are not permanent reflections on you as a person, they’re just temporary moments in time.
- Don’t dwell only on the negatives of a problem; it can distort your view of a person or the situation.
Bible Verse:
Proverbs 3:6 "In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.”
